


Paper Thin

by Sehnsucht3



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: 2x19 coda fic, Angst, Anxiety, M/M, Magnus Bane Defense Squad, Magnus Bane is not ok, Malec, Panic Attacks, Trigger warning for people with anxiety, based off personal experience
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-10
Updated: 2017-08-10
Packaged: 2018-12-13 16:01:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 782
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11763393
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sehnsucht3/pseuds/Sehnsucht3
Summary: Magnus is not ok. His carefully constructed armor has cracks in it now. Cracks in the shape of one man. But with Magnus having made an impossible choice, he's alone again. Or Magnus has a panic attack after the events of 2x18 and 2x19.





	Paper Thin

**Author's Note:**

> This isn't that long, but I've been wanting to publish something for ages now so here this is. It's ironic that the first thing I'm posting is an angsty Magnus fic about a panic attack. Never would have thought my first fic would be something like this. But here it is. I'm hoping it's the first of many. Also I'm sorry. This just came out of me and it's not very pleasant. But I believe Magnus is dealing with so many things at the moment that his behavior is justified. This is my interpretation of what he's going through. Thanks to @valfromrome for being the first to read it and to @MuscleMemory for being my beta. <3

Magnus hasn't been sleeping. But he's been drinking. He's having nightmares again. He's drowning in them. Without Alec there, everything feels just as raw, if not more so than before. He craves Alec’s unwavering, soothing presence more than ever. The nightmares come back almost every night. And he can't seem to pull himself out of it. 

As the days pass, his hurt at Alec’s dishonesty turns from betrayal to grief to blame. He blames him for coming into his life and tearing him apart. For stripping him down to his bare emotions and letting him think that he was safe. He's never felt more raw and paper thin than he does right now. He wishes he could pull himself together, to go back to the way he was before he met Alec. But he's struggling to. His plans to help his people and protect Alec at the same time are coming at a cost. He knew it would not be easy. In fact, it feels like the hardest thing he's ever done in his life.

His emotions are out of his control, so he focuses on the things he can control. He puts on his darkest eyeliner, his highest collar, his most fitted coat. But it doesn't help. Not like it used to. 

Alec has fundamentally changed something within him, and he knows in his soul he can never go back. 

Thinking about what he's done and all of the anguish he's caused, even in trying to do the right thing, hits him like a tidal wave, suddenly and all at once. He breaks down in front of the mirror in his bedroom. He watches his face crumple into something ugly and unrecognizable. And yet so familiar at the same time. Achingly familiar. This is what he's been avoiding more desperately than anything. This is what he's been guarding himself from for over a hundred years. 

He feels his chest tighten up before he realizes the tears in his eyes are blocking his vision. The room spins and he feels his body try and draw breath. His rings bite into his fingers as he clutches the dresser, his head feeling heavy and his body starting to float away as he tries to get air into his lungs. 

As the panic sets in, his breaths become more ragged by the second. He's trying to breathe as the tears keep flowing, sobs are being ripped from his chest even as he tries to control them. 

The dizziness spreads and black starts to appear around the edges of his vision. He finally relents and gives in and allows himself to sink to the floor, unable and unwilling to stand on his own two feet anymore. 

More sobs come as he tries to calm himself down. The rational part of his brain is telling him to breathe, but he can't. He physically can't. A wave of emotion hits him again when he realizes he is entirely alone in this. He's going to pass out from a panic attack on his bedroom floor and there's no one to anchor him. No one to help him get his body to stop pulling in these awful, jagged breaths and soothe the frantic rhythm of his heart. 

One gasp right after the other after the other. It feels unending and unstoppable and out of control. Tears sting his eyes and run down his face, smearing his thick black eyeliner and another unbidden sob escapes him. 

He feels lost. He feels hopeless. He feels like he made the biggest mistake of his life, letting himself become so vulnerable. He hates it. For this very reason.

And yet, above all else, he feels like he would do anything to have Alec there with him in that moment. He knows that no matter what's going on between them, Alec would still help him. 

Against everything, Magnus needs him. 

It seems like a horribly weak thing to think. But in this moment, when all else is stripped away but his pain, it doesn't matter. Magnus isn't afraid to admit it to himself. He's just afraid of what it means. He gasps.

The black at the edges of his vision is overtaking him with each passing second. With shaking hands, he reaches into the pocket of his jacket for his phone. He can barely hold it steady and his tears are making it hard to focus, but he manages to unlock it and slip it onto the floor in front of him as he sinks further down, his breathing becoming increasingly erratic. He taps a few buttons but the next thing he is aware of is slipping onto the floor completely as darkness consumes him.


End file.
